1st Day Back…

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Things that made my heart ache with loss today…

The 1st alarm sounding in the morning since last Wednesday.

Getting up for work and not giving my Bubby Girl a look and caress.

Standing in the shower and the little song I used to sing to Bubby Girl as we drove away from the house on the days she’d come to work with me started running through my head… We’re going to work today! We’re going to work today! Dee dee do do do do do… We’re going to work today, TODAY!


Standing in the bathroom having a panic attack about going to work and trying to tell Si I was okay as he got me a bottle of water when I felt sick. I didn’t want to leave my house and my family today…

Standing on the front porch with Si, worrying about his first day alone at home without his Cutie Shoes. Knowing it would be a hard day for him too and seeing his concern for me as we said goodbye for the moment. A pang of anxiety hitting me as I turned to leave him. Our own morning ritual changed by worry for each other…


Pulling into the parking lot at work alone this morning and realizing that on Saturday when I’d been there with Si to get Betty’s crate and toys that I forgot to ask him to also remove the Fresh Patch of grass I had for her.

Sitting down at my desk and seeing the 24th marked on my big desktop calendar with Betty SX (which stands for surgery) in red. Such a foreboding color… like a warning sign I see too late flashing in my face.


Having to tell someone I know at work and who knew my Bett Girl that she had passed away. Betty loved this woman’s sneakers and laces…

Seeing my co-workers since it happened and the look on their faces, those worried looks like they wanted to say something but weren’t sure what to say so no words were better for the moment. The guys I work with were so sweet with Betty, cuddling her and playing with her. Taking her to their desks when she cried if I was away from my desk. I loved seeing them like that, it gave me a whole new perspective to them all because of Betty being Betty.


Talking about my Bubby Girl with my friend at work and watching the tears well up in her eyes, seeing her sad for me and hurting at my loss too. It was heart breaking, but her empathy was so very comforting when I felt very alone today. I hope she knows how much I respect and like her.

Reading the beautiful cards with their condolences for the loss of my Bubby Girl.

Talking about what happened on and off throughout the day and crying quietly, happy that my office is dark and I could hide behind the computer.

Asking my friend at work not to mention when it was around 11:30am because I have been avoiding clocks in the morning which made me all the more aware of what it was all day.

Eating lunch and not sharing the Betty-sized pieces with my Bubby Girl when she would jump up and stand on her back legs to watch me. She always knew she’d get treats from me and always patiently waited.

Talking to Si about the week ahead because I haven’t seen a few other co-workers and dreading the look on their faces… It will be a long first week back without my Betty for me.

Driving home and talking to my Mom and telling her all about my day and hearing how my Mom is so worried about me… No matter what I tell her, she’s a Mom and she’s concerned about her baby… but there’s nothing anyone can really say, so she tells me again that time will help. I don’t like thinking about that, because I am counting every day since she left us and they feel endless… I miss you Bubby Girl…

Pulling up in front of the house and only seeing Fred waiting for me in the doorway…


Things that made my heart ache with love today…

Pulling up in front of the house and seeing Fred waiting for me in the doorway… How I love his sweet, wrinkly bully face and his big brown eyes.


Seeing Si step into view as he opened the door for me and took all my bags from me as he helped me inside.

Giving the Monkey (aka Fred) a scratch and cuddle and smiling as I watched his little tater-tot tail wiggle happily for me.

Finding solace and refuge in my husband’s embrace.

Being home… So happy to be home again and safe.

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