I hate going to bed now, it makes me sick and I hate waking up, it makes my heart break all over again… My bedroom feels like a sinkhole pulling me down into the darkness, drowning me, swamping me until I can’t breathe and just pass out.
Going to bed now means there’s no more little things we do. No more nighttime rituals. Every night when we were ready for bed I’d look at my husband and say, “Get Bubby Girl”, who had always fallen asleep, curled up between my legs on the recliner. And he’d say, “Yes, I’ll get the Bubby Girl…” and he’d pick up her sleepy, hot little body from between my legs. She would always be so floppy, she trusted us to have her and take care of her and she knew we would’d not let her drop or fall. That’s why she was so floppy and relaxed when we held her… He’d pull her against his chest as I got up, looking up at them as I put the recliner down. It made my heart ache with how precious it was…
I can still the last image of my husband, Si holding her… This is what we always did… from day one this is was how we all went to bed. Once I got up, he’d turn her in his arms and always hand her me with her little sleepy face against the right side of my chest and I’d pull her in close, so she was tucked across my body, in the wrap of my arms with one little leg tucked under her face and the other dangling over the side of my arm. It was how I carried her from day one. She just fit there perfectly and she’d grown into the spot in the time we had her, so it was like puzzle pieces fitting together perfectly. We’d all turn and watch Fred, calling him to us and he’d sleepily slide off the couch and meander to the door. There wasn’t a rush at night to go out, everyone just wanted to just get back in the house and curl up in their soft beds to sleep, my husband and I included. Outside we all went… my husband with Fred and me with our Bubby Girl. I’d place her in her little pen on the grass and she’d look back at me, the cool grass on her hot feet making her stretch and give a little shake as the colder air touched her warm side where she had been pressed against me. She’d piddle and I’d praise her, “Good girl Bett Girl, that’s a good girl!” She’d look back at me again, pleased with herself for pleasing me, her little face all sleepy and invariably she’d turn back to where I was on the side of the pen and stand up on her back legs, giving a stretch as I reached down and rubbed both of my hands up and down the length of her sides praising her all over again. I’d hear Si telling Fred, “Come on buddy…” and it was then time to go in for bed. Bubby Girl scooped back up in my arms, this time held a bit different so I could lift her little face to my husband where he’s blow raspberries on the top of her head while holding her big ears in his hands. It’s so funny… at first that’s all her could see, those big ears which I loved so very much… but yesterday he said it’s funny, he stopped seeing just her big ears and it was just his Betty… After the raspberries then he’d give her a kiss or two and tell her good night. She’d always lift her face then to look up at him with her dark, intelligent eyes. Si and Fred would go lock up the house and I would head into the bedroom with Betty… We did the same thing EVERY night. In the bedroom, just me and my Bubby Girl… I would kiss behind her warm, soft big ear and kiss her prickly face all over as I told her I loved her and that it was time for “big sleepies.” Bubby Girl never fought it, I would just bend down and put her in her little house beside my side of the bed, giving her and caress as she’d curl up in her cuddle cup. Sometimes going right back to sleep, but most times waiting for me to climb into bed beside her, because inevitably she’d get another caress from me. I always looked down into her house and smiled before I got into bed, my last image was always of her curled up beside me. Safe and warm in her bed and I’d lay there listening to her little snorey breaths.
Now… I just go into the bedroom alone, waiting for my husband and Fred and I blindly get into bed, I barely remember how I got there because I think I am on auto-pilot… No more rituals, no more Bubby Girl. It’s just me and everything is so dark and quiet and cold in that bedroom as if the life has been sucked out of it. Ever since she left us it’s been cold, the temperature has dropped and even though we have the heat on and I have an extra comforter on the bed it’s still chilled me to the bone. I don’t think I’ll ever truly be warm again.
I hate going to bed now, it makes me sick.
My husband and Fred would come in not long after Bubby Girl and me. We’d watch a bit more TV together. My Bubby Girl curled up in her house beside me making these wonderful little sounds as she fell asleep. Fred would jump up on the bed on one side or the other and lay down to have a little snooze before he’d get scooped up and put on his big puppy bed beside my husband. We were planning on letting Betty have a bit of free reign at night, once our bedroom door was closed and after she’d healed from her surgery. We had planned to let her sleep either with Fred on his big bed that she loved to flump and roll around in already… or by me in her little house. We were going to let her decide by leaving the door open so she could choose where she wanted to sleep. She was only 6 months old, but by the time she healed up, she would have been 7 months old and it would have been time to let her taste some freedom. But those plans aren’t going to happen any more…
I used to be able to fall asleep almost immediately. I think my husband has always envied my ability to sleep because he’s a light sleeper and most nights doesn’t really get a good nights sleep. Not me… I used to be able to fall asleep very fast, and sleep soundly throughout the night but I’ve lost that ability. My sleep is broken, I wake up all hours of the night and most times find my right arm cold, stretched out to where Bubby Girl’s house had been. I’m endlessly seeking her out in my sleep…
I hate going to bed now, it makes me sick.
I used to be able to sleep until I’d hear Bubby Girl stirring beside me somewhere between 6 and 7am (usually closer to 6am). I’d reach over, my eyes still closed, as I heard her jump up and I knew she was standing on her bed looking at us. I’d caress her warm little head… I’d play with her ears and caress her prickly cheek and she’d usually give me a lick of her soft, hot tongue on my hand before she’d lay back down and curl back up in her bed. She knew one of us (more times than not it would be her dad) was about to come and get her and take her out to do her morning business. I’d lay in bed and watch the dark outline of my husband bending down to scoop her up and I’d smile, listening to his quiet words to his Cutie Shoes as he picked her up and held her how he always did. Just like Fred, in one hand sort of tucked up under his arm and held on his forearm and hand. Off they’d go and I’d usually turn over and snuggle back into bed. My husband and Betty would return minutes later, she did her morning business fast. He’d clean her up and either put her back in her cuddle cup or slip her into bed with me. My husband would wander out of the room with Fred and he had his own routine of feeding the cats and opening the sliding door on the lanai so the cats could venture out early in the morning. Then he and Fred would either return to bed with us or they’s stay in the living room because my husband had some more work to do or wanted to watch a soccer match on TV…
If I close my eyes I can still feel her tucked up so tight against me, she was so hot and soft, her prickly face always resting on my shoulder above the V of my underarm, her body pressed between my arm and my body and usually covered with a bit of blanket. I’d look at her sleepy face so close to mine and I couldn’t resist kissing her and rolling just a bit to tuck her in even closer against me. I’d listen to her breaths, the little super soft snorey sounds right by my ear and we’d sleep, my Bubby Girl and me… in the dark, quiet room all warm and safe just my Bubby Girl and me.
Whenever I would awake, whether on my own at least an hour or more later or more times than not because Betty was ready to start her new day. That’s when we got up… there was never a rush unless it was close to 9:30am because she’d hear her dad getting her breakfast ready and it was time for “some grub.” If Bubby Girl was sleeping with me in the bed, she’d always wake up and roll on her back, wiggling around making what we call. “Bulldog noises.” She did this happy growly crazy squirm and I’d rub her soft warm belly as she’d trash about and then stretch out her entire body before she’d crawl all around the bed. I’d lay there watching her, smiling, I loved her so much… and she’s always come back to nuzzle and lick and nip at my face because it was time to get up because Betty wanted to play. So I’d get out of our warm, soft bed and tell her okay, okay… and she’d watch me get dressed waiting for me to scoop her up, laughing and kissing her little head before I’d set her free to run and find her dad and her Fred… It was a new day for Betty and she raced into every single one of them happy and loved…
But not anymore. The minute I am awake I have to get out of bed and out of my bedroom. It’s too dark and quiet, and I can only hear the sounds of my heart breaking and I try to hold back tears. I never can… I don’t make it out of bed in time… so now the only hot lick I feel are my tears as they fall down my cheeks and I hurry to get dressed and get out of that room.
I hate waking up now, it makes my heart break all over again…
